I can do hard things.

May 18, 2021 was my *LAST* chemotherapy infusion!!

Omg it feels amazing and yet kind of bizarre to be able to say that. The end of these awful drugs that swallowed me up and spit me out again and again for the past four months. The routine of it had quickly become such a new normal, and despite the countdown to "ZERO to go," the end almost seems sudden. But I guess it's like all hard things. When you're in the thick of it, you can't see forward or backward or up or down. You have no idea how you're going to make it through...until you do. Until you find a small glimmer of light and hang on for dear life that it's enough to get you out the other side.

The end of chemo has me looking back on the past year and a half of our lives and appreciating our story more than ever. Miscarriage and a d&c. The loss of a pet. The loss of a job. A second pregnancy that would be our biggest blessing but also riddled with anxiety, fear, complications, one hospitalization, and bed rest. Cancer.

Joe and I have endured some hard things over the last 18 months, and each time we've somehow managed to come out the other side stronger than we went in. We've seen each other at our highest of highs and our lowest of lows. I'm in awe of the unconditional love and respect and admiration we have for each other. It's what fuels my hope for the future and the notion that our best is yet to come. It's the understanding that we'll be able to tackle anything else that gets thrown our way because we can do hard things.

The birth of our daughter Sadie was and is our greatest joy, and I believe with all of my insides that she's been our guardian angel since the beginning. If I hadn't miscarried the first time - would I even know that I have cancer right now? Sadie came to us at a time we needed her more than we could ever understand and luckily for me, just in time to detect this breast cancer at an early stage. The timing of my post-partum exam is still eerie to me.

I once saw someone post about the birth of their son after a miscarriage and he said: "I think it was him all along, it just took him twice to get here." I think about that all the time, and believe more and more that that was the case for Sadie too. It's like she knew all along when she was supposed to arrive because the timing would change all of our lives forever. She's the sole significance behind this site, Sadie's Hope: the hope she's had for her mom's life since the moment she was born, and the hope she gives me now to keep going and keep doing the hard things so we can live a long life together.

I think back to the person I was when chemo started. I think about what I've endured since. What my body has endured since. Chemo stripped me down to nothing - physically, mentally, and emotionally - forcing me to rebuild myself piece by piece so that I could have some semblance of personal wholeness again. It brought me some of my darkest days and tested me in ways I never could have imagined. I think this is why the end of my six treatments feels so abrupt. I've lived another lifetime and experienced more than I ever thought possible in the span of four months and to be honest, even after the last year and a half, I've learned I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I knew. That motivational poster shit is true - it's not the destination, it's the journey. So while the end of chemo in and of itself is defintiely something to celebrate, it feels so much bigger than just another milestone. I'm so proud of myself for weathering this shit storm. I'm proud of my husband and his unwavering support. I'm proud of Sadie for inspiring me every single step of the way. I'm so proud of our little family and I'm filled with immeasurable gratitude that we have each other.

***

The countdown to June 16th is on - surgery day. My next hard thing. I'm nervous. Scared. Anxious to get it over with. Dreading the recovery. But in a month it'll be in the rearview just like chemo and I know I'll still be standing. Because I can do hard things.

Today marks a week since my last infusion. Chemo didn't let me go without a hell of a fight and this last one was a doozy, but I'm finally starting to feel good and by the weekend I know I'll be ready for more than just a sip of champagne.

Maybe a whole damn bottle. CHEERS!!